Our guide to the best cheat meals Australia has to offer.
A cheat meal is arguably good for the metabolism. More importantly, a cheat meal is downright T-A-S-T-Y. You’ve slugged it out all week, downing green juices packed full of unpronounceable superfoods, alongside portion-controlled high-protein meals straight from the Tupperware. You’ve sacrificed Sunday Sessions for meal prep, so now it’s time to indulge and live a little.
Get the fat pants ready because here’s our pick of Australia’s best cheat meals. After all, if you’re going to blow the diet, you may as well blow it right out of the water!
Ze Pickle – Burleigh Heads and Fortitude Valley, QLD and Surry Hills, NSW
Ze mother of all burger-joints, Ze Pickle’s mouthwatering menu of health-endangering treats has seen the Burleigh-based establishment reach cult status before spreading the deliciously greasy love to BrisVegas and now Sydney.
Home to the 4kg MONSTER BURGER ($120 worth of wagyu beef patties, piled 16 layers high, laden with a block of cheese and maple smoked bacon between every layer), why not try to get your mouth around their TRIPLE LOCO burger first? 3 hand pressed wagyu beef patties, triple jack cheese, triple maple smoked bacon, pecan wood smoked brisket, some obligatory iceberg and tomato for balance, zp sauce, smoked jalapenos and mum’s slaw. And you can forget your standard burger bun; this is all served between 2 grilled cheese sandwiches.
Want to do even more damage? Don’t waste precious stomach space on a plain old burger bun. The DOUGHNUTFUKWITDIS features a hand-pressed wagyu beef patty, Nutella smoked bacon and double jack cheeze sandwiched between a fresh grilled doughnut time™ Original glazed doughnut. Drooling? Damn straight we’re drooling!
Milky Lane – Bondi, NSW
Launched in the kale-munching, fasted-cardio espousing, sculpted beach bod home of Bondi in early 2016, Milky Lane Bondi has quickly become a notorious go-to cheat meal destination. Serving up sinful burgers, insane mega-shakes and desserts that would make a heart surgeon weep, it’s the sort of place that will have you screaming, “F** the diet!”
The establishment is famed for its jaw-breaking burgers full of wagyu beef, streaky maple-smoked bacon and fried mac and cheese, plus the unmissable CoNuts and Churro Bowls. But the guys always have something more devilishly calorie-laden up their sleeves. Keep an eye out for special lose-your-mind additions to the menu, just like these:
THE CEREAL KILLER THICK SHAKE brings back your old school favourites for a total sugar overload. House-made cereal milk soft serve blended with strawberry Nesquik and malt, then topped with Fruit Loops, strawberry Nesquik cream, Nerds, Kit Kat, a Sour Strap and Milo.
Another must-have? THE HOUSE-MADE RED WAFFLE STACK, boasts layer upon layer of rich red velvet waffle goodness, Messina Gelato and Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups, topped with even more gelato, liquefied peanut butter and Nutella.
So good (and downright bad for you), even the most glamorous of Eastern Suburbanites will want to take a snap of their towering burger for The Gram rather than a #selfie.
Gangster and Gatsby – Southport, QLD
The GC just keeps delivering, with Southport’s Gangster and Gatsby dishing up some of the most gangster shakes and pancake stacks imaginable.
Do you even pancake bro? Not for the faint-hearted, or those with heart conditions, the HARLEM HATCHET ‘ULTIMATE’ PANCAKE STACK is a sugar hit only the toughest, or sweetest, can handle. Only 2% of those who attempt the Harlem Hatchet have succeeded.
The enormous pancake stack is made up of four large pancakes layered with all things badass – think Nutella, peanut butter and gooey marshmallows. It’s then drizzled with chocolate and caramel sauce, topped with two big scoops of ice cream and sprinkled with a heap of chocolate and caramel chips.
Finish the colossal sweet stack to earn yourself a commemorative cap and extreme bragging rights.
Platform Eighty Two – Concord West, NSW
Pure breakfast insanity! Kick your day off right with the ultimate Big Breakfast from Platform Eighty Two in Sydney’s west. Forget sharing (though that’s what it’s designed for), you’ve earned this food coma. The three-tiered extravaganza (also available in a slightly more manageable two-tiered size) is known simply as THE BREAKFAST PLATTER, or the world’s best hangover cure.
Take your pick and load up with layers of bacon, eggs three ways, goats’ cheese, sausage patties, avocado, pork belly, pancetta, mushroom, hash browns, roast tomato and toast. Go all the way and save the top tier for a little breakfast-come-dessert to end the feast. Our pick is the French Waffle: waffle French toast, Nutella, M&Ms, Kit Kat, Milo Clusters, lashings of maple syrup plus a red velvet ice cream in a crunchy waffle cone.
Aimed at groups of 3-6 people and starting at around $30pp, this is the ultimate breakfast lover’s cheat meal. Lose the morning gym session because getting through this glorious breakfast will be a workout in itself.
Patissez – Canberra, ACT
The home of the Freak Shake. Need we say more? Self-proclaimed “Shake & Cake Lords’, these guys have every right to be cocky. One look at the Pâtissez Instagram account and you’ll be drooling with anticipation. Say hello to OTT shakes of epic proportions, piled high with mind-blowing toppings.
How about a FREAKIN NUTZ shake? An ice-cold Nutella milkshake with lashing of Nutella all over the place. The rim is rolled in salty crushed roast hazelnuts and the shake topped with oodles of super-smooth Nutella mousse, sprinkled with a cheeky dusting of dehydrated Nutella and finished off with the crown jewel: a house-made hand-rolled, choc-dipped, hazelnut-sprinkled nougatine cone. Oh lordy!
Or check out the BANOFREAK – just like a Banoffee pie in a glass, but on steroids! Patissez makes their own Banoffee caramel from scratch by oven roasting bananas for the most amazing Banoffee flavour your taste buds have ever experienced. The rim of this thick and creamy shake is crowned with deliciously crunchy banana chips, topped with rich butterscotch whipped cream, sprinkled with banana chip crumb and, finally, all topped off with a sweet caramelised banana and gooey toasted marshmallow kebab.
Chuck Wagon 175 – Norwood, SA
An American style restaurant based in Adelaide, Chuck Wagon 175 doesn’t do things by halves. Offering up American style street foods in standard oversized American portions, this place boasts enough cheese, onion rings, pulled pork, ribs, burgers and special sauce to satisfy the biggest of cravings on re-feed day. It’s all gainz baby! The menu will send any respectable dude-food lover into a manic craze, but it’s the one-week-only specials that will really make you froth at the mouth. Check it out:
BARBECUE BACON MEATBALL BURGER. Two of Chuck’s signature burger patties formed into a ball and stuffed with shredded cheese, wrapped with bacon and grilled, molten cheddar cheese, sliced American pickles, crispy shoestring fries dusted in Tex-Mex seasoning, double-breaded onion rings, fresh sliced tomato and crisp iceberg lettuce with a lashing of house-made Jack Daniels barbecue sauce, all piled on a toasted sweet bun.
Sweet more your style? THE ULTIMATE COOKIES AND CREAM NUTELLA BURGER features Chuck Wagon’s signature Nutella patty (Nutella what now?!!), vanilla marshmallows, house-made Nutella sauce, Oreo cookies, sweet vanilla ice cream coated in delicious Oreo crumbs, and whipped cream, all on a toasted sweet bun. Be still our beating hearts…because this dessert burger is set to deliver a sugar rush that’ll have your blood pressure rising and heart beating out of your chest.
Their array of sugar-laden, diabetes-inducing #CrazyAFShakes is a whole other story that will have you wishing for a second stomach, at the very least. Check out Instagram for the drool-fest.
Sometimes you dominate the squat rack and sometimes you dominate the full rack of ribs with extra fries – life is all about balance. And just think how much extra energy you’ll have to annihilate that next workout…once the food coma wears off.
Have we missed your favourite? Let us know, and let the cheating begin!